I have no idea why we have to go to the dark side and truly live it in order to find God.
The past few days were more than difficult and a few simple reminders that I am not in control of my healing, shook me to my core!
On Wednesday I had Counseling like normal. But my counselor was going through something very difficult and I could feel his pain. Then we talked a little about the healing process and how things can sneak up on you. He reminded me that trauma of any kind needs to be treated differently because it completely changes every part of your being. August is a difficult month for him. September will be a difficult month for me. I instantly became anxious just thinking about it.
The next day I had two customers that I have become very close with come by the office. The first one is this lady I always help with her electronics. But before she started the car she said “I need to talk to you. Something tells me you are not ok and when you were gone from work I really wanted to call you but I didn’t want you to think I was some weird religious person.” I told her “you were right in thinking that and you should have just called me. I am ok but I have been struggling with some things.” Then she said “I just feel like I have a strong connection with you for some reason and can I please just send you a text from time to time. I said “absolutely”. Then we went about our business fixing her car and then I told her my short version of the story and that my step dad passed away in March and it was all just too much to handle and I needed a break. Today she sent me a text of praying hands and hearts. The next customer lost her husband. We both broke down in the car and she hugged me when she left. Her husband passed 5 days before Dale. I told her I understood exactly what she was going through. Then she said “it makes me think that anything I’ve ever said to anything when someone passes , was not enough.” I have been thinking this exact thing lately. I told her I was sure she has handled every instance well. Then I also said “But now you can actually empathize with them and they will know you really mean what you say.” A little bit later a third customer comes in and we just get along like we have known each other for years. There was something that we were discussing that brought up the topic of trauma and somehow I ended up telling her about my story as well. We were interrupted and will definitely continue that conversation later. I was wiped out at the end of that day.
As difficult as all of those conversations were I know I still want to be a counselor. I know that I will take on every single thing that my clients are going through as my own. I know with the strength and help from God I will be able to handle it. He keeps showing me this path. He is making me stronger.
P.S. Every time my counselor mentions the dark side, I chuckle inside and think of Yoda! This image of Yoda especially made me laugh because black coffee is just not right!