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The Opposite of Rainbows and Sunshine

I promise my journey to finding peace is not all rainbows and sunshine. In face the past week or a little long I gradually fall deeper into an unexpected depression. There is not much I can do about it but just keep doing what I’m doing. I’m not writing this so you can tell me to get help, or do this or do that….I already do all those things you are going to suggest.Trauma has a mind of its own. You never snap out of it. You never forget. Sometimes you get a trigger that you just can’t deal with. I have no idea what it was but it could be school, work, a random conversation, or just knowing in about two weeks it will be a year since the traumatic event. The past few nights I have had the worst dreams of my life. They continue like a horror film each night into a story that does not make sense and feels real. It’s so scary to me that I won’t dare tell anyone about it but my counselor, maybe. I’ve woke up shaking and completely drenched two of these nights. Tonight, I feel a panic attack coming. It’s going to be a bad one.I tell you all this because you need to not underestimate trauma. You need help getting through. You need to be careful to take better care of yourself and get enough rest, and eat. Your immune system is weak. PTSD, from an assault or any kind, can sneak up on you at any moment. Even when things have been great. Learn how to self soothe. I hope I do not have a day like this for a long time. I am scared to sleep. I haven’t eaten. I’m crying and shaking.I will be ok. Grace, is next to me. We are going to talk about cat life for awhile.

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