Insomnia is awful.

Did you know your body can survive over three weeks without food? But only three to four days without water.

However, Humans can only survive 11 days without sleep. The effects of sleep deprivation begin quickly with symptoms including: hallucinations, cognitive impairment, irritability, delusions, paranoia, and psychosis.

It is extremely important to speak to a Heath care professional if you have insomnia. I was not happy about taking medication for this problem but after several different changes we are on the right path. The path does change frequently though as you start healing and trying new methods so be prepared for that as well. I was never one to forget things and when I began not being able to answer simple questions, it startled me. I felt trapped in a body I did not know anymore. Why was this happening. The first focus was sleep. Meditation has been very helpful.

Then for those of us suffering from PTSD you have random symptoms that go away and just when you think you are healed you experience minor setbacks. Do not be discouraged. This is all normal. What exactly is “normal” anyway?! And do I want to be “it.”

Oh, then the nightmares that wake you up thinking something is about to grab you and you aren’t sure if you screamed or not. You don’t go back to sleep until an hour or two before work. Sometimes I just sleep with the lights on. I am sitting here thinking, “why do I get mad at the cat for yelling all night?” Maybe she is only mimicking me.

The first night I tried writing about insomnia, I wrote about a paragraph. I started at 10pm or so. I remember thinking to myself, you are going to need to do some serious editing on this one….then I woke up at 2am. Turned off the lights, put the tablet down and fell back asleep. Maybe I found a cure!

“Love Triangle”

This will be the first of many controversial posts. These are my stories, not yours. My takes on things I would do different now that I know how I was affected by these things.

Driving home from Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve, I heard the song “Love Triangle” by RaeLynn.  The lyrics are very powerful to a child who grew up in a divorced home. Holidays were always bittersweet. I only saw one of my parents. I never saw both on holidays. As a child it is difficult to understand.

If you are considering divorce and have kids please take my words to heart.

Do not ever speak badly about your ex to your children. Do not ever fight in front of your children. If you need to have a neutral zone to drop off the kids then do so. I was always dropped off with a grandparent and picked up by the other grandparents or parent. Kids are so smart and pick up on everything. The harm that these actions cause is insurmountable.

Remember this: At one point you loved your spouse enough to vow to spend your lives together through sickness and health….you made a child or children together. Respect each other and your children enough to let them figure things out for themselves. Do not use your children to hurt each other.

Your children will respect you more if you let them grow in their time. But wait until they are old enough to understand because even as a 38 year old….this shit is real and hard to understand. It hurts to the core. It causes pain you could never imagine. It also keeps them from being happy for years and not knowing why.

Behavior is very much learned. I was sent to a counselor, I was also quick to pick up on what she was doing. I never once told her the truth. I knew she was telling my Mom everything. Do you really think your child is going to tell anyone what is really wrong when both parents are using said child to hurt each other? Give your kids some credit. They hear more than you know. They see more than you think. They feel deeper and more honestly and lovingly than you. Children are still in their honest pure form until they start learning that life just simply is not easy.

I am certain I will update this post at some point. There is a lot I would like to add or change. I just keep feeling like there are things I am supposed to share for a reason. Not because I have demons or frustrations about things because I am healing through my studies as a counseling student and seeing a counselor as well.

For now…take care. Feel free to comment. I would be appreciative of any feedback.


Erase and re-record

Hey Everyone!

I am sorry I have not been around much! I have been extremely busy with work and school. I am finally enjoying some time reading books for fun for a change also. The past weeks a few things have occurred to me and I feel like everyone. Reds to hear these things! So I will share a couple stories with you.

Today, I was leaving a message for a customer and I could not get it together. So I erased it and re-recorded the message two times. Now wouldn’t it be great if life were like that. Yes, absolutely! But it is not. That is why we must have strong faith. He helps guide us to our goals. We all mess up. This is what life is about. Learning from our mistakes. What would we learn if we erased everything and started over every time something undesirable happened?!

I know without a doubt that if I had not been through the trauma that my life would be completely different.

Trauma can either break you or rebuild you.

You have to make a choice here.

It’s not fair. But do you want to spend every day the rest of your life miserable?

Or do you want to say, “this happened but, now I am helping pick other people off the ground because of it!”

It is your choice. You can keep your recording the same or you can scratch a line through it and record new things.

If you enjoyed this please leave me a comment!



The Opposite of Rainbows and Sunshine

I promise my journey to finding peace is not all rainbows and sunshine. In face the past week or a little long I gradually fall deeper into an unexpected depression. There is not much I can do about it but just keep doing what I’m doing. I’m not writing this so you can tell me to get help, or do this or do that….I already do all those things you are going to suggest.Trauma has a mind of its own. You never snap out of it. You never forget. Sometimes you get a trigger that you just can’t deal with. I have no idea what it was but it could be school, work, a random conversation, or just knowing in about two weeks it will be a year since the traumatic event. The past few nights I have had the worst dreams of my life. They continue like a horror film each night into a story that does not make sense and feels real. It’s so scary to me that I won’t dare tell anyone about it but my counselor, maybe. I’ve woke up shaking and completely drenched two of these nights. Tonight, I feel a panic attack coming. It’s going to be a bad one.I tell you all this because you need to not underestimate trauma. You need help getting through. You need to be careful to take better care of yourself and get enough rest, and eat. Your immune system is weak. PTSD, from an assault or any kind, can sneak up on you at any moment. Even when things have been great. Learn how to self soothe. I hope I do not have a day like this for a long time. I am scared to sleep. I haven’t eaten. I’m crying and shaking.I will be ok. Grace, is next to me. We are going to talk about cat life for awhile.

I Am Struggling with Balance

I am having a huge struggle with balance right now.  I am talking in several different ways here.

  1. Literal balance – I mean if I fall one more time I am just going to find a place to make me a human size hamster ball to live in.
  2. Professional portion of life great, personal seems to be crashing hard.
  3. How do you go back to school after 13 years?  I am excited.  Do NOT get me wrong.  But I can NOT even walk from one room to the next without falling so how can I balance, Work, School, and a relationship?!  (It’s not alcohol either, stop that thought.)  Ok, maybe last week I fell off the wagon a minute.

Am I the only one who feels like when everything in your professional life goes great, that you personal life and relationships struggle?  I mean we are talking huge struggle.  We are not on the same page at all.  I feel like I am being resented a little for having so many projects and accomplishments right now.  Also, part of me feels like maybe it seems like I do not need anyone but myself.  Now that I am getting stronger again and back to myself, I seriously feel like I am liked less and less by my significant other.  We can not have a conversation without arguing.  The truth about strong people is that they really need support and love.  They are always busy giving and giving that sometimes (more often than not) they are drained of every emotion they have because they give so much to others.The thing is, that I am happy.  I am enjoying what I am doing.  I love my journey with Rodan + Fields.  I love that now my boss has me writing blogs at work.  The big bonus is that the topics are usually about our clients.  It is really helping me and will be an asset when I am done with school as well.  I love that God changed my decision to go to Nursing School for a second Bachelor’s degree;  now I am getting my Master’s of Art in Counseling.  I mean things are great.  Except for when I am home alone.Finding balance in life is so hard.  I know everything will sort itself out.  I have been working so hard.  Patience is not my virtue.  I just want everything now.

Bathroom reader to cat entertainer

Most people have the typical “bathroom reader” or magazine of choice. Some choose to check Facebook and email while doing their morning routine. I am lucky enough to be blessed with cat entertainment. Or am I the one supposed to entertain her, I get so confused on the “rules of cat ownership”. Four short months ago, Grace was scared to death of water. The sound of water sent her flying out of the room and hiding for hours. Now, I have a happy curious creature. But mainly I think she does tricks because she knows I hide treats somewhere on the counter.She even follows me in there when I wash my face with my super wonderful #lifechanging #skincare and brush my teeth.

Hurry up

I need a little Grace

I started writing this a couple months ago. Right about the time I got Grace. I am trying so hard to be upbeat and positive but until you have walked these shoes you just will not get it. This is why I tell you all how I am feeling; so that maybe you will be more compassionate to those you know going through something similar. The feelings come and go but the mind racing thoughts rarely go away. It takes a whole lot of energy to focus and keep your mind in the right frame of mind. I literally get home from work and sit down and fall right asleep about 3-4 days a week. This is another reason the name, Grace, is so important. Every time I call her name or think of her. I think of the sweet little animal that saved me. I think of the meaning of “grace”. I think of God’s grace.Here is my needing more “Grace” day and the hurt I was feeling. I need more grace than the little 5 lb cat, Grace. Today was difficult. I was at home with my Mom and it had been a hard week for the both of us. I was working on my R+F business and she was going through mail. My iPad just wasn’t doing the job so I went to the basement alone. Chloe couldn’t figure out where I was so I was really alone down there for the first time. It was Dale’s office. I just cried. I got my cards uploaded on Vistaprint and went back upstairs. We went to United to grab lunch then the cemetery. So many times in the past week I wanted to talk to Dale. It just seems unreal and I’m very angry. We get back to the house and throw on our boots and jeans. I have an old pair of boots in Dales closet. So many memories. Finally we head to the barn. The filly’s come running immediately. I just wanted to stay there forever. They are changing so much and just going to get more beautiful. I would do just about anything to jump on the back of one of them and take off running…..I don’t care where or when we wander back. I just want to ride and take off into the sunset until the pain is gone.


“But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.””

‭‭James‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

The Dark Side

I have no idea why we have to go to the dark side and truly live it in order to find God.

The past few days were more than difficult and a few simple reminders that I am not in control of my healing, shook me to my core!

On Wednesday I had Counseling like normal. But my counselor was going through something very difficult and I could feel his pain. Then we talked a little about the healing process and how things can sneak up on you. He reminded me that trauma of any kind needs to be treated differently because it completely changes every part of your being. August is a difficult month for him. September will be a difficult month for me. I instantly became anxious just thinking about it.

The next day I had two customers that I have become very close with come by the office. The first one is this lady I always help with her electronics. But before she started the car she said “I need to talk to you. Something tells me you are not ok and when you were gone from work I really wanted to call you but I didn’t want you to think I was some weird religious person.” I told her “you were right in thinking that and you should have just called me. I am ok but I have been struggling with some things.” Then she said “I just feel like I have a strong connection with you for some reason and can I please just send you a text from time to time. I said “absolutely”. Then we went about our business fixing her car and then I told her my short version of the story and that my step dad passed away in March and it was all just too much to handle and I needed a break. Today she sent me a text of praying hands and hearts. The next customer lost her husband. We both broke down in the car and she hugged me when she left. Her husband passed 5 days before Dale. I told her I understood exactly what she was going through. Then she said “it makes me think that anything I’ve ever said to anything when someone passes , was not enough.” I have been thinking this exact thing lately. I told her I was sure she has handled every instance well. Then I also said “But now you can actually empathize with them and they will know you really mean what you say.” A little bit later a third customer comes in and we just get along like we have known each other for years. There was something that we were discussing that brought up the topic of trauma and somehow I ended up telling her about my story as well. We were interrupted and will definitely continue that conversation later. I was wiped out at the end of that day.

As difficult as all of those conversations were I know I still want to be a counselor. I know that I will take on every single thing that my clients are going through as my own. I know with the strength and help from God I will be able to handle it. He keeps showing me this path. He is making me stronger.

P.S. Every time my counselor mentions the dark side, I chuckle inside and think of Yoda! This image of Yoda especially made me laugh because black coffee is just not right!

God put this on my heart to share.

Hey! It takes me a minute to warm up but this subject just keeps being brought to me to share.

Grace even makes an appearance!

Let me know what you think!

Let’s find the “why” to our own story!

Feel free to share or tag anyone who needs to hear this!

#savinggracesupportgroup #mysavinggrace #depression #suicide #youmatter

Disclaimer: if you are experiencing depression and suicidal thoughts I have listed some helpful numbers for contact under my “contact me” then “emergency crisis “. Do not do this alone! You are not alone!

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