What RAPE really is.

The most frustrating things are out of our control.

You have to pray about it and move past the anger stage more times than you could ever imagine. I have been trying to write this post for months. I started this post in July. I just could not get my thoughts quite together in the right way. But now I’ve remembered that I survived the scariest thing that can happen to a human and I am left here to tell the story.

I am not naming any names so, what is wrong with talking about this. I’m sure several people have their opinions about why I shouldn’t. This is my story, not yours. I think if I help at least one person then it has served a purpose. I feel this is the best thing I can do. People need to step outside their box and comfort zone of life and look at what is happening in the current world we live in.

I received a call to go to the DAs office. They wanted to update me on the case. Here is what it came down too. They said we do not want to go to trial, we are thinking about pleaing him out because he is a first time offender. Ok, backup….a first time offender that is being charged with 5 sexual assaults. What?! That makes zero sense. So then they proceed to tell me this “well in this county jury’s do not see people hanging out at a house having a couple of drinks as rape.” Again, what?! I was walking out the door he came up from behind me, grabbed me by the wrists, turned me around, got aggressive and said I wasn’t #*@$!+% going anywhere. The lots of details I am leaving out for the sake of the case….if that’s even what we are still calling it. Victims get the short end of this stick. The ADA insists, we believe you but we don’t want to lose the case. Then they said this county only sees rape as a girl walking down the sidewalk with her bible in hand on her way to church, getting grabbed and raped in an alley or van as rape. “Beyond a reasonable doubt.” These words get on my nerves as much as “survivor” does. Has anyone actually put thought into why rape victims are called survivors? It’s because most don’t, but you won’t find statistics on that. You also won’t find statistics on rape victims that suicide.

Living in a constant fog. Planning out your day so you remember to eat or even shower, is not surviving. I want to make sure these victims are truly living again. Ok, getting off that soapbox before I make myself sick.

How do we change this era of thinking? How do we get the world to see how rape cases actually happen? How do we change the system?

Now back to me sitting in the office boiling over, “a jury won’t see this as rape.” Let me be really honest. I have nothing nice to say at this point. I told them they were not trying hard enough in a 3 page letter that I wrote the next day. This is our legal system. This is why at least 65% of rapes do not get reported. I believe this is why the suicide rate of rape victims is very high. Rapes are underreported. Convictions are difficult.

We are not all wired the same. Fortunately, I am strong and willing to go as far as I need until this gets a judgement. This is too difficult for most people and I understand. But hear my words and take them to heart. I am here for you and willing to help you. You are enough. You are strong too.


A couple weeks ago I had another almost meaningless meeting at the DAs office. We are set for trial soon. Whatever that means. He is only willing to plea to a misdemeanor. WTF, is that even an option….ok, get back on task. Trial. Yes, I understand the risks. I am 110% willing to take them. Right or wrong?! Guilty or not guilty?! It does NOT matter. God has complete control of this and just like my tattoo on my wrist says…. (See post Romans 12:12). I can do this. “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:12-19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Insomnia is awful.

Did you know your body can survive over three weeks without food? But only three to four days without water.

However, Humans can only survive 11 days without sleep. The effects of sleep deprivation begin quickly with symptoms including: hallucinations, cognitive impairment, irritability, delusions, paranoia, and psychosis.

It is extremely important to speak to a Heath care professional if you have insomnia. I was not happy about taking medication for this problem but after several different changes we are on the right path. The path does change frequently though as you start healing and trying new methods so be prepared for that as well. I was never one to forget things and when I began not being able to answer simple questions, it startled me. I felt trapped in a body I did not know anymore. Why was this happening. The first focus was sleep. Meditation has been very helpful.

Then for those of us suffering from PTSD you have random symptoms that go away and just when you think you are healed you experience minor setbacks. Do not be discouraged. This is all normal. What exactly is “normal” anyway?! And do I want to be “it.”

Oh, then the nightmares that wake you up thinking something is about to grab you and you aren’t sure if you screamed or not. You don’t go back to sleep until an hour or two before work. Sometimes I just sleep with the lights on. I am sitting here thinking, “why do I get mad at the cat for yelling all night?” Maybe she is only mimicking me.

The first night I tried writing about insomnia, I wrote about a paragraph. I started at 10pm or so. I remember thinking to myself, you are going to need to do some serious editing on this one….then I woke up at 2am. Turned off the lights, put the tablet down and fell back asleep. Maybe I found a cure!

“Love Triangle”

This will be the first of many controversial posts. These are my stories, not yours. My takes on things I would do different now that I know how I was affected by these things.

Driving home from Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve, I heard the song “Love Triangle” by RaeLynn.  The lyrics are very powerful to a child who grew up in a divorced home. Holidays were always bittersweet. I only saw one of my parents. I never saw both on holidays. As a child it is difficult to understand.

If you are considering divorce and have kids please take my words to heart.

Do not ever speak badly about your ex to your children. Do not ever fight in front of your children. If you need to have a neutral zone to drop off the kids then do so. I was always dropped off with a grandparent and picked up by the other grandparents or parent. Kids are so smart and pick up on everything. The harm that these actions cause is insurmountable.

Remember this: At one point you loved your spouse enough to vow to spend your lives together through sickness and health….you made a child or children together. Respect each other and your children enough to let them figure things out for themselves. Do not use your children to hurt each other.

Your children will respect you more if you let them grow in their time. But wait until they are old enough to understand because even as a 38 year old….this shit is real and hard to understand. It hurts to the core. It causes pain you could never imagine. It also keeps them from being happy for years and not knowing why.

Behavior is very much learned. I was sent to a counselor, I was also quick to pick up on what she was doing. I never once told her the truth. I knew she was telling my Mom everything. Do you really think your child is going to tell anyone what is really wrong when both parents are using said child to hurt each other? Give your kids some credit. They hear more than you know. They see more than you think. They feel deeper and more honestly and lovingly than you. Children are still in their honest pure form until they start learning that life just simply is not easy.

I am certain I will update this post at some point. There is a lot I would like to add or change. I just keep feeling like there are things I am supposed to share for a reason. Not because I have demons or frustrations about things because I am healing through my studies as a counseling student and seeing a counselor as well.

For now…take care. Feel free to comment. I would be appreciative of any feedback.


Erase and re-record

Hey Everyone!

I am sorry I have not been around much! I have been extremely busy with work and school. I am finally enjoying some time reading books for fun for a change also. The past weeks a few things have occurred to me and I feel like everyone. Reds to hear these things! So I will share a couple stories with you.

Today, I was leaving a message for a customer and I could not get it together. So I erased it and re-recorded the message two times. Now wouldn’t it be great if life were like that. Yes, absolutely! But it is not. That is why we must have strong faith. He helps guide us to our goals. We all mess up. This is what life is about. Learning from our mistakes. What would we learn if we erased everything and started over every time something undesirable happened?!

I know without a doubt that if I had not been through the trauma that my life would be completely different.

Trauma can either break you or rebuild you.

You have to make a choice here.

It’s not fair. But do you want to spend every day the rest of your life miserable?

Or do you want to say, “this happened but, now I am helping pick other people off the ground because of it!”

It is your choice. You can keep your recording the same or you can scratch a line through it and record new things.

If you enjoyed this please leave me a comment!



September 12, 2017

Started out like any normal day but has changed my life forever. When they say beauty comes from tragedy it is true and I am living proof. I have started grad school though my short term memory may still be my biggest struggle. I have to do this and help other “survivors” get through this also. I have also come to dislike the word “survivor”. This word brings back all of my fear and anxiety, yet this is the statistic that I have been labeled. I do not agree with labels and one of the first things I plan on doing after I get those letters behind my name is to take this movement to a new level. A change is in order.

One in five women in America has been raped. Rape cost the U.S. more than any other crime. Rape is also the most under reported crime at 63% not reported. Statistics credit

I have been searching for stats on rape/murder for weeks. It seems they do not keep track of this particular problem. After reading this page it’s pretty understandable why they want it kept quiet.

A Rape a Minute, A Thousand Corpses a Year by Rebecca Solnit

But clearly it is a big deal since I am labeled a “survivor”. All the stats I find on victims of rape and suicide rate all point to about 13%. I believe this rate is much higher considering the unreported rapes are at 63%.

Sorry this isn’t in APA format and more than likely the formatting will be all messed up anyway because of my new theme. Even when I edit the HTML myself. Whatever!

Yes, I am a survivor. But surviving isn’t thriving as long as you are suffering from insomnia, PTSD, episodes of major depressive disorder and anxiety/panic attacks.

I do not want you all telling me “I will be ok”, “you will get through this”, ” you can do this”….etc. I know that! I’m 48 hours away from the worst day of my life, that has already created some pretty amazing things! I want you to all to reach down into your soul and be brave and courageous like I am trying to be. Let’s change this.

One last statistic: 99% of perpetrators for sexual assault walk free. Huffpost

The Opposite of Rainbows and Sunshine

I promise my journey to finding peace is not all rainbows and sunshine. In face the past week or a little long I gradually fall deeper into an unexpected depression. There is not much I can do about it but just keep doing what I’m doing. I’m not writing this so you can tell me to get help, or do this or do that….I already do all those things you are going to suggest.Trauma has a mind of its own. You never snap out of it. You never forget. Sometimes you get a trigger that you just can’t deal with. I have no idea what it was but it could be school, work, a random conversation, or just knowing in about two weeks it will be a year since the traumatic event. The past few nights I have had the worst dreams of my life. They continue like a horror film each night into a story that does not make sense and feels real. It’s so scary to me that I won’t dare tell anyone about it but my counselor, maybe. I’ve woke up shaking and completely drenched two of these nights. Tonight, I feel a panic attack coming. It’s going to be a bad one.I tell you all this because you need to not underestimate trauma. You need help getting through. You need to be careful to take better care of yourself and get enough rest, and eat. Your immune system is weak. PTSD, from an assault or any kind, can sneak up on you at any moment. Even when things have been great. Learn how to self soothe. I hope I do not have a day like this for a long time. I am scared to sleep. I haven’t eaten. I’m crying and shaking.I will be ok. Grace, is next to me. We are going to talk about cat life for awhile.

I Am Struggling with Balance

I am having a huge struggle with balance right now.  I am talking in several different ways here.

  1. Literal balance – I mean if I fall one more time I am just going to find a place to make me a human size hamster ball to live in.
  2. Professional portion of life great, personal seems to be crashing hard.
  3. How do you go back to school after 13 years?  I am excited.  Do NOT get me wrong.  But I can NOT even walk from one room to the next without falling so how can I balance, Work, School, and a relationship?!  (It’s not alcohol either, stop that thought.)  Ok, maybe last week I fell off the wagon a minute.

Am I the only one who feels like when everything in your professional life goes great, that you personal life and relationships struggle?  I mean we are talking huge struggle.  We are not on the same page at all.  I feel like I am being resented a little for having so many projects and accomplishments right now.  Also, part of me feels like maybe it seems like I do not need anyone but myself.  Now that I am getting stronger again and back to myself, I seriously feel like I am liked less and less by my significant other.  We can not have a conversation without arguing.  The truth about strong people is that they really need support and love.  They are always busy giving and giving that sometimes (more often than not) they are drained of every emotion they have because they give so much to others.The thing is, that I am happy.  I am enjoying what I am doing.  I love my journey with Rodan + Fields.  I love that now my boss has me writing blogs at work.  The big bonus is that the topics are usually about our clients.  It is really helping me and will be an asset when I am done with school as well.  I love that God changed my decision to go to Nursing School for a second Bachelor’s degree;  now I am getting my Master’s of Art in Counseling.  I mean things are great.  Except for when I am home alone.Finding balance in life is so hard.  I know everything will sort itself out.  I have been working so hard.  Patience is not my virtue.  I just want everything now.

Bathroom reader to cat entertainer

Most people have the typical “bathroom reader” or magazine of choice. Some choose to check Facebook and email while doing their morning routine. I am lucky enough to be blessed with cat entertainment. Or am I the one supposed to entertain her, I get so confused on the “rules of cat ownership”. Four short months ago, Grace was scared to death of water. The sound of water sent her flying out of the room and hiding for hours. Now, I have a happy curious creature. But mainly I think she does tricks because she knows I hide treats somewhere on the counter.She even follows me in there when I wash my face with my super wonderful #lifechanging #skincare and brush my teeth.

Hurry up

I need a little Grace

I started writing this a couple months ago. Right about the time I got Grace. I am trying so hard to be upbeat and positive but until you have walked these shoes you just will not get it. This is why I tell you all how I am feeling; so that maybe you will be more compassionate to those you know going through something similar. The feelings come and go but the mind racing thoughts rarely go away. It takes a whole lot of energy to focus and keep your mind in the right frame of mind. I literally get home from work and sit down and fall right asleep about 3-4 days a week. This is another reason the name, Grace, is so important. Every time I call her name or think of her. I think of the sweet little animal that saved me. I think of the meaning of “grace”. I think of God’s grace.Here is my needing more “Grace” day and the hurt I was feeling. I need more grace than the little 5 lb cat, Grace. Today was difficult. I was at home with my Mom and it had been a hard week for the both of us. I was working on my R+F business and she was going through mail. My iPad just wasn’t doing the job so I went to the basement alone. Chloe couldn’t figure out where I was so I was really alone down there for the first time. It was Dale’s office. I just cried. I got my cards uploaded on Vistaprint and went back upstairs. We went to United to grab lunch then the cemetery. So many times in the past week I wanted to talk to Dale. It just seems unreal and I’m very angry. We get back to the house and throw on our boots and jeans. I have an old pair of boots in Dales closet. So many memories. Finally we head to the barn. The filly’s come running immediately. I just wanted to stay there forever. They are changing so much and just going to get more beautiful. I would do just about anything to jump on the back of one of them and take off running…..I don’t care where or when we wander back. I just want to ride and take off into the sunset until the pain is gone.


“But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.””

‭‭James‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

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