I have no idea why we have to go to the dark side and truly live it in order to find God.
The past few days were more than difficult and a few simple reminders that I am not in control of my healing, shook me to my core!
On Wednesday I had Counseling like normal. But my counselor was going through something very difficult and I could feel his pain. Then we talked a little about the healing process and how things can sneak up on you. He reminded me that trauma of any kind needs to be treated differently because it completely changes every part of your being. August is a difficult month for him. September will be a difficult month for me. I instantly became anxious just thinking about it.
The next day I had two customers that I have become very close with come by the office. The first one is this lady I always help with her electronics. But before she started the car she said “I need to talk to you. Something tells me you are not ok and when you were gone from work I really wanted to call you but I didn’t want you to think I was some weird religious person.” I told her “you were right in thinking that and you should have just called me. I am ok but I have been struggling with some things.” Then she said “I just feel like I have a strong connection with you for some reason and can I please just send you a text from time to time. I said “absolutely”. Then we went about our business fixing her car and then I told her my short version of the story and that my step dad passed away in March and it was all just too much to handle and I needed a break. Today she sent me a text of praying hands and hearts. The next customer lost her husband. We both broke down in the car and she hugged me when she left. Her husband passed 5 days before Dale. I told her I understood exactly what she was going through. Then she said “it makes me think that anything I’ve ever said to anything when someone passes , was not enough.” I have been thinking this exact thing lately. I told her I was sure she has handled every instance well. Then I also said “But now you can actually empathize with them and they will know you really mean what you say.” A little bit later a third customer comes in and we just get along like we have known each other for years. There was something that we were discussing that brought up the topic of trauma and somehow I ended up telling her about my story as well. We were interrupted and will definitely continue that conversation later. I was wiped out at the end of that day.
As difficult as all of those conversations were I know I still want to be a counselor. I know that I will take on every single thing that my clients are going through as my own. I know with the strength and help from God I will be able to handle it. He keeps showing me this path. He is making me stronger.
P.S. Every time my counselor mentions the dark side, I chuckle inside and think of Yoda! This image of Yoda especially made me laugh because black coffee is just not right!
Disclaimer: if you are experiencing depression and suicidal thoughts I have listed some helpful numbers for contact under my “contact me” then “emergency crisis “. Do not do this alone! You are not alone!
Or was it the we hours of the morning. I have no idea what time it was but it was dang early. I say to her, “Grace, what do you want?” All she does is change her tone for awhile. Then she runs through the house full speed, jumps on the middle of the bed from the door frame (remember she’s “blind” and imagine me rolling my eyes) and then around the room, jumps down. Then repeat. She is only 5 lbs. so it’s not too terrible and after awhile you learn to sleep through the craziness. This happens 5-6 nights of the week. Today….oh today I wake up and sit straight up because the sun is shining in…it must be 6:30-7am, surely it is. Nope. It’s 5:30am. I am not even kidding you when I say she is staring at her distant relative on my wall and serenading it. I’m thinking, my cat is mad. Chloe and I are doomed. She really is plotting my demise. She talks to the relative for over an hour. I mean it was not crying, or meowing, it was a cat howling. I have never heard anything quite like it and I have had a lot of cats in my years. I am thinking it must be some kind of war song to get in touch with her instincts. I seriously believe she was kept in the dark and in a cage until I rescued the beautiful little soul. Let’s pray she does not suck my soul out in my sleep. Or as my grandad always said “she will steal your breath while you sleep.
Currently the little sponge is watching the dryer go in circles, round and round we go. I hope it hypnotizes her into forgetting whatever madness she created this morning with that serenade. Whew it was a doozy. Evidently it was a hard day…get your rest little grasshopper. We have a lot left to teach you!
Clearly I am tired of “taboo” topics. Rape being the first one. Suicide definitely second. Yesterday morning I got a call with news that a very special person in my life suicided. If you do not know this is the appropriate term for this. Anyway, I brushed my teeth and then walked to my room but collapsed on the floor before I got there. My dog, Chloe came running. My cat, Grace came running. I have only had Grace a few months and it’s incredible the bond we have built. I was overjoyed for her to comfort me yet completely devastated. There is too much of this going on in our world and honestly I’m not ready to talk about this subject. But God keeps telling me I need to so I will eventually. We need to be kinder and gentler with people. Say hello to strangers. Compliment someone random. You never know whose life you are touching by a simple act of kindness. I am not licensed to guide you if you need help but I have some helpful numbers that I am posting under my contact info on the menu. If you or someone you know needs help please seek help. I am always willing to help you seek help as well. Look up Kevin Hines. He has set up a line that you can text for “Inspirational Stay Alive” messages. I have subscribed to it. He also has a crisis text line. It is free, 24/7 and confidential. Next, I think this man’s blog is very helpful for those who are experiencing suicide of a loved one. Soul Food – Suicide and the Bible. That post will be up shortly. Love you all and please seek help or ask for help if you need it. You matter!
I swear….I just haven’t been able to finish. I have so many different topics written out in my head but when I go to type it up I just stare into space. However, I saw this and it sums up the past couple weeks really well.
“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”
Isaiah 41:13 NIV
Literally everything I have going on in my life right now is scary. This is not my plan. This is God’s plan. I have no doubts whatsoever about that. I hope that someone finds inspiration in my journey. There is only He who knows where it goes!
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
This week has been a little tough. I finally made some calls I have been needing to make. Sorry for the vagueness but since there is still an investigation going on and “he” is out on bail I think it’s best if I am vague.My calls consisted of answering all the questions I had to answer the night it happened again and again. I can say that I did not cry. I felt a lot of anger. But later that evening I felt numb. I am seeing a Counselor and Psychiatrist and for the most part my moods are stabilizing. But my point is trauma has a mind of its own and no matter how many yoga classes, meditations, happy thoughts, positive energy and situations you put yourself in, YOU CAN NOT control PTSD. And it’s ok.It’s ok to be happy.It’s ok to be angry.It’s ok to be sad.It’s not ok to walk this journey alone. Please seek help and if you do not know how then contact me and I will help you! I have a ton of amazing resources.Basically ⬆️ is how I get through each day. One step at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time and sometimes even a minute at a time. In the morning the drink of choice is coffee with cream and sugar. At night it varies based on the mood. I am trying my hardest to stick with water or a crisp Coca-Cola! Because I sure do not want to make my anxiety or depression worse just from enjoying a bottle of wine! Oh, I mean glass!#savinggrace #mysavinggrace #healing
You all know what it is; it’s that place we stuff things we do not know what to do with.
What would happen if you dumped it out and started sorting it into categories? These things are in my drawer:
Deck of cards
Throw the trash away it’s taking up valuable space. Much like your life you need to cleanse the junk/trash in order to have room for more interesting things that will help you grow.
If the electronics do not work anymore put them in the trash pile. If they do, use the to download an audio book or uplifting radio station and take a walk.
Use the writing utensils, notepads and tape to leave notes for yourself and loved ones. Positive and encouraging notes like, “you are beautiful ” “you are smart” ” you are a wonderful friend”!
All else fails to get the trash out of your drawer (body, mind, spirit) then use that cork screw to open a bottle of wine and play cards. It will be fun. You could also get the shotgun shell and go shoot bottles off a fence. To each his own. Just make sure you keep doing and growing and cleanse the junk every now and again. It can clutter your mind.
“Those who cleanse themselves from the latter will be instruments for special purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.”